In case you missed it, outsourcing has really expanded it’s offerings lately. Sure, we all know we can outsource our web design to some kid in Nepal, but did you know you can also outsource other skills you just can’t manage on your own, such as:
Psychopathy
If you are a little too nice for this dog eat dog world, contact your nearest large corporation or faceless bureaucratic government agency who will gladly do the things your humanity gets in the way of.
Guilt
Are you guilty of a lot, but don’t have the time to process it? Ask your local diversity officer who will neatly package it as racism, sexism or some related hypocrisy and serve it back to you.
Shame
No one should be subjected to feeling shame for their words or actions. To protect yourself, try outsourcing the task of reflecting on your own thoughts or actions to conspiracy theorists, then shame them.
Vocabulary
You do not need to learn the definition of words. Definitions are no longer objective or fixed. If you do not know a definition, make up your own one up, or accuse the previously widely known definition of being just an opinion, without offering any thoughts of your own. If even this is too difficult for you, try outsourcing the definition of words to those who profit from changing them. The World Health Organization leads the way, and offers this service without monetary charge, all it will cost you is your chance to decide anything in future.
Self worth
Self determination of worth is time consuming, and risky. What if the thing you value is hard? As a risk free alternative, try outsourcing your self worth to everyone else, and see who shouts at you longest and hardest. Then copy that person or group and they will confirm that you are on the right track.
Democracy
Democracy clearly only works if everyone shares exactly your point of view and all other views are silenced. There is a robust censorship industrial complex to help your quest for this type of Democracy. Outsourcing to this group will spare you the pain of having to entertain two ideas at one time, or explain your thinking, or consider what you would like your political representatives to achieve, or to address centuries of this clearly not even pretending to happen.
Morality
Moral reasoning traditionally never ended. All this constantly questioning and exploring the notion of right or wrong really ate up our time. Organised Religion provided an outsourcing option for thousands of years, but now that it can be shut down on the whim of a petty tyrant, people want more reliability. Try outsourcing your morality to Scientism, Expertism, Media Worship and Faith in Politicians. It will still cost you some ridiculous rites of passage, which are far more dangerous than usual, but it will be super quick and easy.
Education
Our rulers are working hard to reduce the sum total of human knowledge to a more manageable size. Until then, continue outsourcing your education to Google, Universities and other arms of government.
Community
Did you know that in most countries, at least 50% of wealth is spent by the people who earned it? To outsource this task further, try ignoring further upcoming taxes like carbon tax. You might also outsource your healthcare, schooling, childcare, food production, housing and entertainment to Blackrock or related monopolists, who would have ensured your spending went to them anyway.
We trust you’ll enjoy your revamped outsourcing options. As modern economies show, the best way to run something is to outsource it!